Duck Tour Conductor

I just applied (and am confident that I'll be hired promptly) to be the tour guide on the "duck tour" in Boston, and drive the vehicle, which is desribed by the company website as "an authentic, renovated World War II amphibious landing vehicle." I'm really excited about this, I can't wait to start work!

Quack! Quack! Moo! Moo!

Hi Duck Tour Friends,

You've probably heard of me, or at least know my name ( most people do), but my name is Nancy Stewart, and here is some background information about me:

Gender: Unspecfied (HEHE, sorry, I love telling people that. HAHA I'm a male! WHOO-WHOO-QUACK)
Age: 62
Life Aspiration: Car crash dummy
Favorite food: Barbequed duck (sorry!)
Picture of me: http://amarillo.com/images/headlines/070102/duck.jpg

I am a solid, husky (****I prefer "big-boned" HEHE****) lad, measuring in at 5 foot (quack) 6, and weighing in at a cool, slim 282.12 pounds. People usually tell me that I look like Tom Hanks, but I think I look better than that in a tight pair of Levi's. You know what I mean! (wink wink!!!!!!!! MOO)

As you can imagine, I am an attractive looking papa, and I think I would make a fantastic duck (quack quack!!!!!!!!!!!!) tour guide. The mamas all love me, and I am very macho, so papas are fond of me as well. Everyone loves me!!! (***blushes due to chronic embarassment problem WHOOOO-WHOOOOO) And when I go duck feeding, the ducks love me as well, I'm not just a lady's man!

What makes me different from other duck tour CON-DUCK-TOURS? Well, other than the fact that all the mamas and papas love me, I am very good at making QUACK noises!!!!!!! You should hear me some time! Actually, you probably have, I'm guessing you have a copy of Nancy Stewart's Ultimate Animal Noise Extravaganza lying around on CD (I'm hip!!!) or on record or cassette tape, if you don't, what have you been doing, living under a rock for the last 10 years!!!!! WHOOOO-WHOOOOO! If you don't have one, let me know, and I'm perfectly happy to send you one FREE OF CHARGE (most peeps have have paid $49.95 for it, unless of course you're a music PIRATE!!! AHHH, the RIAA may be after you, but I won't tell if you have!!!!!)

So, quite honestly, I assume that by the time you get to this point in the email, I've already been hired. Thanks, I really appreciate it, I won't let you down! (MEOW-MEOW-PURRRRRR!!!!) Please let me know what the next step is, I want to start work ASAP!!!!!!! (whoooooooooooo!!!!!)

QUACK QUACK,

Nancy Stewart
Your newest employee! (and best) (and most loyal) (and best at making quack noises) (and everything else!!!!!!!!)

Upscale Hair Salon

Hi Fellow Hair Stylists!

My name is Nancy Stewart, and I am the man for the job! As a hair stylist! In your salon! Let me tell you more about myself, as I am a very interesting man.

I grew up in Compton, the meanest place is the USA. It is dog-eat-dog, cat-eat-cat, and sometimes even a man-eat-cat (only once, I swear!) place out there. It was tough growing up in the hood, I had to learn to fight for myself. I was a tough-ass hoodlum. But I was a trekkie, I loved Star Trek. So on my 18th birthday, I pilgrimated to a Star Trek convention in San Francisco. Once there, I met myself a level-7 witch. I fell in love with Fifi (or Boots, the nickname I called her.)

I married FiFi when I was 21 years old, but unfortunately she died in a tragic shaving accident 3 months later. It broke my heart. I cut her hair so it would look good (great) for the open-casket. I received many compliments at the funeral regarding her hair. After her death, I moved back in to Mum's and Pup's basement for twenty years, until they died of undisclosed causes. That's where I am now, looking for work. I have never held a job in my entire life, FiFi was rich until she lost it all in the Dungeons and Dragons national championship, and Mums and Pups supported me for the last twenty years, as well as the first eighteen years of my life. However, I cut FiFi's hair before her funeral, and have cut my hair on two occasions. Right now, I have not cut my hair in eleven years, and haven't shaved in the last eight. I am going for the "natural caveman" look. Its a very unique style, and I think it will catch on in the the twenty-first century, as I got Pups to do it for several years before he died, and I think it looks really cool.

Now that you have gotten to know me, you see that I would be great for the job. I bring in my own personal style, as well as three hair cutting incidents, two of which were consensual. I am a very interesting man, and looking forward to getting my first job. If you feel that my fur is too long, I can tie it back so it won't rub against my clients. I look forward to hearing back from you and getting started on the job. Thank you for hiring me, I won't let you down, you've made the right decision.

Your Furry Friend,
Nancy Stewart

UPDATE:
No word from them yet, so I emailed a follow-up:

Hi Again,

I don't mean to rush you, but I haven't heard back from you yet. I have been very excited about my new job for the last few days, and was getting all ready to get started on the job. As you recall, I've never actually held a job before, so maybe I don't know how the whole job hiring process works. Was I wrong to assume that I had been hired before hearing from you? I knew that I was overqualified, so I thought that meant that you would definitely hire me. Was I wrong? Or right? Let me know, I'll be waiting.

(Hopefully) Your New Employee,

Nancy Stewart

And just in case they already filled the position, I sent my resume off to another hair salon. We'll see what happens...

UPDATE: I received a response from the first hair salon that I contacted, they sound interested!

hi nancy sory to disapoint you butt i anderstend thet
you dont know
the prosses of hairstyling you have to be licenc in
california and have to go to beauty scholl for about
one year then ther is a test you have to past and then
you gott to assist for about 2 years it is a long
prosses
befor you can call youself a hairstylist so start
with schol and call me wen you done

Junior Litigiation Associate

I was taking a stroll in the park today with Robert (my cat), when it dawned upon me that maybe I should be a lawyer. I am obviously over-qualified, considering all of my experience with the legal system. I know its only for a junior litigation associate, and you're probably thinking, why Nancy, you're better than that! Thank you for your gratuity, but I'll let you in on a secret. All of these firms make you an associate first, not even a man of my credentials could take the jump to senior partner. I was thinking about joining a big firm, possiby even moving to New York City, but I heard something about having to have a law license, but I figure a small firm will let it slide. We shall see. Here is my letter and resume:

Hi!

I am Nancy Stewart, and I am the man for the job! You will find my resume attached in PDF format, which obviously shows my experience with the legal system.

Thanks,
Mr. Stewart

RESUME:

Resume for Nancy Stewart

Frequent Plaintiff at county court, all of which I represented myself

Read (from front-to-back) Law for Dummies

Declared “Competent to stand trial” on felony battery after a big ruckus that I was insane or something

Successfully passed traffic school 7 times

Went to school to fight parking tickets on several occasions, self representing myself

Described as an “interesting man” by several judges

Completed 3 years of high school

Freecell champion (12457 wins, 79 losses)

Adidas Deodorant

I have always had problems in the past with Adidas deodorant, I have found that it doesn't work very well. I have voiced my concerns to them in the past.

But very recently, I noticed a new addition to the Adidas (or as they clearly explained to me, adidias, with a lower case A), Adrenaline for women. This seemed very off to me, so I penned them a letter. Here it is:

Dear Mr. Hainer,

I was recently at the drug store to purchase a new stick of deodorant (I ran out of my last one) when I saw the latest addition to the “adidas Adrenaline” line, and quite frankly, I was appalled, disgusted, and confused.

You must know what I am talking about, but if you do not, I am speaking about the “Adrenaline for Women” perfume. Pardon my French, but what the devil were you thinking when you made this product. Everybody knows that adrenaline is a hormone associated with men, but you find the need to defy nature and human preference, and make a “Adrenaline for Women” product. I polled all of my friends and they all said that no woman would want to buy that. I think that it’s a good name for a men’s cologne product, but for women, come on!
By now, you’re probably recognizing the terrible, fatal mistake that you made, and are recalling that you forgot the research and development phase of the product. But its okay, I have a substitute product, “Estrogen for Women.”

Think about it, it is a genius idea. Estrogen is the woman hormone, so women would naturally buy the product, without any regard to what it even smelled like. I would buy any “testosterone” product. I once again polled all of my friends who unanimously agreed to all women would buy this product. You can even keep the same fragrance as “Adrenaline for Women,” just change the label. There you go, I already took care of research and development for you.

Please transfer this letter to the appropriate department, and I insist on no form letter, but a real response. In exchange for my idea, I also request that you simply fill out the enclosed response form, and return it to me in the enclosed self-addressed-stamped-envelope.
Thank you for your time, and please remember to let me know when this will hit the shelves.

Cheers,

Nancy Stewart

Photographer's Assistant

I am applying to be a photographer's assistant:

Hello Fellow Photographers,

I am applying for the position as a photographers's assistant. My name is Nancy Stewart, and I am a 48 year old male, an avid photographer.

I have taken many pictures before, but never professionally. I really don't have much of a resume, as I never had held a photography-related job. Actually, I've never held an actual job, but I figure I'll give it a shot after 48 years.

In your listing, you mention working at schools. The thing is, to put it bluntly, I hate kids. For that reason, the idea of being an assistant is perfect for me, so I can avoid the little rats as much as possible. I will absolutely not comb any greasy little heads, wipe any snotty little noses, or make any of the little squirts shine their disgusting little teeth. Its their picture, let them decide how the hell they want to look, and as long as I have no contact, I'll be happy. Does that sound good to you?

Although your listing does state:

"Photography experience, while a plus, is not nearly as important as a real appreciation for children."

I do not feel that my lack of photography experience or my drained appreciation of pampered little tots will be an issue. I can simply do the "behind-the-scenes" work.

I feel that I am a perfect match for this position, like peas and carrots. I am wetting my trousers in eagerness for your response.

Cheers,
Nancy Stewart

Later correspondence with this employer:

8/14
Nancy: I am following up to my email of August 7, as I have not heard back from you.

8/15
Employer: And you wonder why? That was funny, but I am very busy.

8/15
Nancy: What is the matter? Can I assume that you are not interested in myservices at this time?

8/15
Employer: Sorry, but we are looking for people who LIKE working with kids.

11/12
Nancy: It is Nancy, it has been a while since our most recent correspondence. Since we have last spoken, I have discovered that I have a 4 year old son of my own, and I have learned to love kids. Kids are my life. I may become a teacher, Mr. Stewart. Until then, I was thinking that maybe you would reevaluate your decision, because I would be delighted to be an employee of yours. Please deeply consider my employment. Thank you!

No further correspondence received from the employer

Pet Groomer and Bather

I am applying to be a pet groomer and bather:

Hello Fellow Animal Friend,

My name is Nancy Stewart and I am applying to be a pet groomer/bather.

I am a 53 year old male, and I have had a very long and negative experience with animals. I am have worked as a pet groomer before, and have been bitten 4 different times, on all separate occasions. All 4 of these occasions did result in lawsuits, but do not fear, I do not anticipate on any more in the future. I am applying for this job to confront the demons in my life, and in my life, animals are certainly my largest demon. I have never been very fond of animals, especially dogs. I have also been attacked by a bear twice, have had bird waste land on me three times in my convertible and on the beach, and have been engaged in a cat fight, with an actual cat, as well as numerous other less severe instances.

As you can probably see, my prior experiences with animals haven't been very good. It has actually been very bad. But do not let that influence your decision to hire me. Animals have always tended to hate me, so my hate of them is simply reciprocating their feelings towards me. Anybody who says who animals have a short memory is wrong, because all animals hold a grudge against me before they even meet me. I am hoping that this job will help me get over my past experience with animals. I have actually seeked counseling with a lady who calls herself "the cat lady", who is also a future teller, and we have had many counseling sessions, and she told me that I now have a clean slate with animals. She even introduced me to all of her 100+ cats, and only three of them attacked me (a 97% success rate), which I was very proud of. If you would like a letter from her certifying what I have said and that she sees no further conflict with animals while reading my palms, let me know and I'll have her write to you.

Please strongly consider me for this position, and you will not be sorry. I will conquer the demons in my life, and strongly succeed in this position.

Cheers,

Nancy Stewart


I received the following response:

Thank you for your interest. I do not think that you would be appropriate for this environment.

Kitchen and Bathroom Salesperson

I am now applying to become a kitchen and bathroom salesman.

Hi Cydnee,

My name is Nancy Stewart and I have what it takes to sell kitchens and bathrooms! Allow me to introduce myself:

As I stated above, my name is Nancy Stewart, and I am an unemployed 68 year old male. I still have a little fur left on my head, and it is all gray. I have a gray beard, except for the moustache part (so like 2 sideburns running down and meeting at my chin). I have an extra 30 or 35 pounds, but am very fit. I have a tattoo on the back of my skull of an ice cream cone, one on my arm of skull and crossbones. I have multiple ear piercings.

Now that you have a general idea of how I look, I feel I am one step closer to being hired. That's great! I can hardly wait.

I would like to share with you a very unique disorder that I have. I have been diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder. This makes me compulsively argue and a compulsively defiant person. If somebody doesn't agree with me, I will make them agree with me, using my compulsive arguing. Since I would like to be honest with you, I feel that I must share that there have been complaints filed against me, but NONE of them have made it to court. I cannot help this, so please do not use this to discriminate against me. However, sometimes my oppositional definance disorder helps me sell. I can argue with somebody until they want to buy it. In my experience as a telemarketer selling high speed internet, I have used my compulsive arguing successfully. Here is a sample dialog from my telemarketing career:

Me: Hello, is Mr. Doe available?

John Doe: Speaking.

Me: Hi, my name is Nancy Stewart and I am calling with an offer for high speed internet that you will not be able to resist.

John Doe: I'm not interested, please don't call back.

Me: But John, you haven't heard the damned offer yet, so how the hell can you reject an offer that you haven't heard?

John Doe hangs up.

But I didn't give up:

Me: calling back

Me: Mr. Doe, how dare you hang up on me

John Doe: What's this special offer?

Me: We can provide you with high speed internet for only $24.99 a month for the first 6 months.

John Doe: What's the price after 6 months.

Me: That is NOT relevant, and does not matter. Do you want to sign up or not?

John Doe: Okay, sure, I'll sign up.

As you can see, my compulsive arguing brought in a sale right there. I also mentioned compulsive definance, which simply means that if you tell me to do something that I don't want to do, I simply won't do it. No big deal, but I feel that you should be aware of that.

Please hire me, I am really looking forward to finally getting back to work, and selling some bathrooms and kitchens!

Your Loyal (and defiant) Employee,

Nancy Stewart

Carpet Cleaning Technician!

I am now applying to be a carpet cleaning technician.

Hello Fellow Carpet Cleaners!

My name is Nancy Stewart, and I can clean carpets!

Allow me to introduce myself to you:

As I said, my name is Nancy Stewart. I am an unemployed male, 63 years old. I have a gray furry head, some gray whiskers (a beard) on my face. I may be old, but my life is far from over! I am reliving my youth, so its really like I am 27 years old (I started reliving my youth 5 years ago as a 22 year old, so now I would be 27, assuming that I am still in my youth).

I fulfill most of your criteria!

1. In good physical condition -
Not exactly, but when I was 27 I did, so technically I am.

2. Have no criminal record -
When I was 27, I had yet to had been arrested, so theoretically, no.

3. Can pass a drug test -
Once again, at the time I was 27 (remember I'm reliving my youth) I could have done so successfully.

4. Have a strong work ethic -
Of course, people have always complimented me for how ethical I am. I am even a member of People for the ETHICAL Treatment of Animals, and have a membership card and a T-shirt to prove that. (if you need a copy, feel free to tell me and I'll send you a copy via a facsimile machine.

5. Enjoy challenge -
Under the assumption that I am 27 years old, I just LOVE challenge. I can't get enough of it.

6. Enjoy meeting new people -
When I was 27, I loved dating, so yes, I ENJOY meeting NEW people.

7. Like working with out supervision -
I don't like it, I LOVE it!

8. Have strong personal integrity -
I have an award for "being a person of integrity" that I can send to you via facsimile upon request.

9. Have a clean cut neat appearance -
Except for a few whiskers (a full beard), yes I am very clean cut.

10.Have good communication skills -
I am a communication WIZARD. Throughout the 27 (63) years of my life, I have approached many times in the street, just for somebody to stop and admire my communication skills.

By the time you get here, I'm sure that you'll be begging to hire me. I can almost feel your urge to hire me. Then you better act quick, because I am HOT on the job market. Everybody is looking to hire 27 (63) year olds.

Cheers,

Nancy Stewart

P.S. Don't forget, its really like I'm 27, not 63!

Satelite Dish Salesman

I just contacted a company, to try to get a job as a satelite dish salesman. Here is my letter, am awaiting their response:

Hello!

Hello, my name is Nancy Stewart and I am mucho (very) interested in your position for a salesman.

I am an unemployed male, and am 53 years old. I have a greyish-brownish goatee, and medium-length sideburns. I am 6 feet tall, and have a little extra padding around my tummy. I take great care in my personal appearance, and am a very attractive man. I can use my overwhelming ability to charm to convince your potential customers to buy that new satelite dish.

I like to be very honest with my potential employers, so I feel that I must discuss with you something somewhat important. I have obcessive compulsive disorder (OCD). When I speak to a customer, I quickly become obcessed about them. I will do whatever it takes to get them to signup. I used to work as a door-to-door carpet cleaner salesman, so I know what it takes to sell. One time, I was pitching our carpet cleaning service to a potential customer, and they told me that they were not interested, and for me to leave. But that did not make me give up! Persistence is the key to sales, so I then helped myself right into their house and right into their living room. On their carpet, I spotted some pretty nasty stains. I told them that with our incredible carpet cleaning team, that those stains would be gone forever. I told them, using my overwhelming charm, that they have a disgustingly-dirty carpet, but that for only $299 those stains would be history. Guess what, they signed up! I will do that for your company. That's how much I care. My motto is:

If they won't sign up, make them signup.

That sounds like a very forceful motto, and it is. But remember that I have an overwhelmingly high amount of charm, and how I am obcessed about all potential customers, so everybody that I speak to WILL signup, that is my personal guarantee. If somebody doesn't signup, feel free to fire me.

Personally, I do not know a thing about satelite dishes. But that shouldn't concern you, not ONE bit. I will convince people, using only my good looks, my incredible charm, and my obcession with whatever I am selling, whether it be toilets, cars, carpet cleaners, ice cream, or satelite dishes, that they NEED a satelite dish. If I am asked aquestion about satelite dishes, I most likely won't know the answer, but I have a GREAT comeback. I will tell them that when they buy thesatelite dish, THEY WILL FIND OUT FOR THEMSELVES! That way, it is a win-win situation. You get a sale, and they'll teach themselves something new. Everybody wins.

Now, you most definitely have a wonderful understanding of my philosophy as a satelite dish salesman. You probably cannot wait to hire me.

I look forward to hearing back from you!

Cheers,

Nancy Stewart